Bring Your Wonder

When we lose something or someone important to us – a job, a relationship, our health, a pet, a loved one, we’re thrown into the process of grief and mourning. It can – and often does – seem to take over our lives for a time, rendering us less likely to practice self care just when we need it the most.

I was an adult when my only brother died; it was my first experience with the death of a loved one. My emotions seemed beyond my control. I felt like I was on a boat with no oars, in the middle of the ocean during a wild storm, just holding on for dear life and trying not to drown.

After chasing my landlord off our front porch one day in an uncharacteristic fit of white-hot rage, I went to a psychiatrist who immediately helped me understand that what I was experiencing was, in fact, normal grief.

Knowing that grief and mourning is a normal, but messy, process helped me navigate my way through it. It didn’t make the pain stop, but it did help to know that I wasn’t totally losing my mind – grief just makes people feel (and sometimes act) “crazy.”

Although self care is a daily practice, it’s never more important than when we’re grieving. Here are five concrete tips for self care for loss and grief.

Schedule basic self care.

During times of grief, it’s alarmingly easy to forget to do the most basic things, like eat, shower, sleep, pay bills. Everything can get so out of whack that waiting until you’re hungry to eat can mean going days without food, because you may not feel hunger. You may stay awake for 24 hours, because you lose track of time. So, put reminders on your phone:

• EAT!
• TAKE A SHOWER!
• TAKE MEDS!
• PAY PHONE BILL!
• BEDTIME! Sweet dreams!

In time, life will return to (a new) “normal”, and you won’t need the reminders anymore.

Accept and acknowledge your feelings.

You don’t have to be strong all the time! Allow yourself to feel – and express – whatever you feel, be it anger, sorrow, fear, confusion, regret, relief, or anything else. Feel it when it comes, and it will pass.

I remember being afraid to allow myself to cry, because I feared that I wouldn’t be able to stop. A wise friend reminded me that there’s no such thing as crying forever, and that maybe I wouldn’t be able to stop crying on command, but I would definitely, eventually, stop. She was right, of course, and the truth is, the feeling of wanting to cry only ever went away if I allowed myself to cry.

Know that grief amplifies other emotions.

That rage I felt at my landlord? It wasn’t really about my landlord at all… I was hurting, confused, and furious (though I didn’t realize it at the time) at my brother, who had committed suicide. The irritation I might have normally felt at whatever it was the landlord wanted was amplified into rage by my grief.

Anger is a normal part of grieving regardless of the circumstances of the loss, but I learned to ask myself “what else is going on here?” whenever I experienced anger or any other emotion that seemed out-of-proportion to the situation. I also learned to say, “I’m sorry. I lost my brother recently and my emotions are all over the place.” People will understand if you give them the chance.

Accept support, and REACH OUT.

There is no need to try to deal with life’s hardest circumstances on your own. Talk to friends, family, coworkers. Share what you’re going through and how you feel. We’re all in this together.

When people ask, “how are you doing?” answer truthfully. It’s okay to say, “I’m having a really hard time. I’m not sleeping well. I feel guilty for not getting over this faster.” or whatever else you’re feeling.

When someone asks if there’s anything they can do to help, tell them what you need. For example:

• If you’re mourning a job loss, ask if they can keep an ear out for any opening in your field, or help polish your resume, or do a mock interview with you.
• If you’re mourning a relationship, ask a friend if you can text them good night every night at bedtime. (I did this with my best friend after the-divorce-that-almost-broke-me. I was unused to living/sleeping alone, so every night before bed I’d text, “Going to bed now! Good night” and she’d respond with, “Good night, sweet dreams!” I can’t tell you how much it helped me.)

If no one is offering the kind of help you think you need, ask! It can be hard to ask for help, I know, but I also know that trying to get through the tough time all alone is even harder.

Don’t think you have to “hit bottom” to reach out. Professional counseling can be an invaluable form of self care for loss and grief.

• Check google for grief counseling / grief counselors in your area.
• Hospice organizations often offer “grief groups,” weekly group meetings across several months, facilitated by a professional grief counselor. Many offer groups specifically for pet loss as well.
• Ask your employer if you have EAP (Employee Assistance Program) benefits; you may be eligible for free-to-you counseling sessions with a counselor.

It gets easier.

After my brother’s death, another wise friend gave me a way to think about grief from a reassuring and verifiable perspective that helped me immensely, and continues to help to this day.

In the illustration above, the dot at the center is the loss/grief event.

The horizontal line is your grief.

The spiral is you, over time.

At first, you’re face-to-face with your grief constantly. You can’t think about anything else; everything is a trigger. Over time though, the intervals of not-grief increase, and you find yourself bumping up against the grief less and less often. The intervals go from moments, to hours, to days, weeks, months, even years.

It’s not that you go that long without thinking about the object of your loss, but that you can eventually have the memories without the pain.

Wherever you are with your grief, however long it’s been, you can likely verify by your own experience that this is true, and so know that it really does get easier.

Self care for times of loss and grief really comes down to giving yourself permission to be human, and the time and resources to recover. Be gentle with yourself, today and every day.

xo